Enmeshment: Dysfunctional Family Bonds

Enmeshment is a disorder of family dynamics in which there are no personal boundaries, little room for differentiation and autonomy is frowned upon. Enmeshed families have no boundaries which lends itself to shame, abuse, co-dependency, little differentiation and low sense of self. 

The alarming characteristic of growing up in an enmeshed family is not only the control, manipulation and emotional trauma a child might experience but also the risk factor it poses for future Mental Health diagnosis. Living in a system (family) with rules that hinder our development, flexibility, spontaneity and individuality often lead to many problems later on in life including, substance abuse, self-mutilating behaviors (i.e. cutting, body image issues), depression, anxiety and even personality disorders. 

For an observer looking in, an enmeshed family might look like a very close healthy relationship between members. Although it might appear as if there is a strong bond between members often times this bond is strengthen in an extremely unhealthy manner and usually at the expense of family members being able to express their individuality and life interest outside the family. 

For instance, a child growing up in an enmeshed family may be put in an adult role. Therefore, this child may grow up to believe the idea that they must always cater to their parents needs putting aside their own wishes at all times. Enmeshment in families may manifest in the following symptoms:

• Parental Alienation Syndrome: where a parent may (at all cost) alienate the child from the outside world through a means of control, manipulation and shame at the first sign of the child wanting to explore their individuality. 
• Emotional Enmeshment: or sometimes referred to as emotional incest manifests when a parent may treat the child as a friend or adult adversely causing the child to be put in an unwanted adult role where the child feels the need to shield and cater to the parent’s emotional needs. 
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder:  Or often times seen as a narcissistic mother, is a type of enmeshment that tends to affect the mother-daughter relationship the most. Often times a narcissistic mother is aware of how to control her family’s behavior, thoughts and feelings. This kind of controlling behavior is confused as the mother’s high level of compassion. However, need not to be confused if a mother becomes overly involved in a child or even in the adult child’s personal life, is a sign of a narcissistic parent. 
• Codependency: is often manifested as a relationship where a person or child is controlled and manipulated by another (or parent) on average this person is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of or control of another. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.  Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent, in that narcissists think they are entitled to more than others and the codependent is used to giving more than what is required and/or healthy, for their own well-being.

Some forms of enmeshment may be so subtle that even the people involved may not notice the capacity of their unhealthy bond. However, the only way to break free from an enmeshed family unit is to first and foremost have the capacity to identify that one may be living or involved in a dysfunctional family unit.  

• You always felt the need to keep to yourself and keep your personal feelings to yourself .
• Everyone in the family was overly involved in each other’s lives and there was little privacy
• You were never allowed to talk to outsiders about what goes on in the family.
• You were not allowed, or feel like you cannot disagree with your family members.
• Your parent may treat you as their best friend by oversharing personal/intimate information.
• Your family made decisions as one entity (groupthink), not as individuals coming together sharing their opinions.
• Love and affection is used as a form of manipulation where the parent removes their love and affection at the first sign of a disagreement or perceived threat to the family dynamics. 
• Individuality is seen as betrayal to the family and members will threaten to alienate and shame family member who attempts to diverge. 
• If one family member felt anxious, angry or depressed, everyone felt and absorbed it.
• Your family was built on the foundation of power and submission, rather than equality and respect.
• Parent is overly involved in personal affairs. For instance, a mother who is overly preoccupied and involved in their child’s personal life. Where a child is made to unconsciously feel the need to seek parental approval for any decision including, romantic partners. 
• As an adult you still find yourself having to conform to the wishes of your family instead of being able to make up your own mind about how, where and with whom you wish to live your life.

If the above symptoms sound too close for comfort than you ought to take a close look at yourself and the family unit you grew up in. Enmeshment is one of those vicious cycles that are extremely difficult to break free from due to the extreme manipulation and power a parental figure has instilled into the child or adult child throughout their lives. 

In my next post I will discuss mother-daughter enmeshment and different ways to break free from am enmeshed family unit.